10個你老爸從不告訴你難啓齒的性事(雙語)
How did you learn about the finer points of sex?
Maybe you watched that awkward sex education video that was filmed a good 20 years before your time and made sex out to be a clinical and methodical process. Some schools had in-class demonstrations of your 60-something teacher delicately peeling a condom down over a banana like some giant, yellow (and slightly curved) penis. The mere thought of that image alone is enough to remain celibate and move to a monastery in for the rest of your life! Other people found out about sex by getting stuck in to a good old fumble session in the drama studio during a free period. Whatever your story, it’s likely you had the talk from your old man at some point as well.Talking about sex can be uncomfortable, particularly for a dad with his teenage son. A sex ed talk from your father usually consists of the following:
· Wear a condom。
· Treat the girl with respect。
· Don’t rush her。
· Save yourself for the right girl。
Of course, none of this prepares us for the harsh reality of a proper sexual encounter. Our fathers have failed us in our pursuit for sexual enlightenment. With this in mind, I present to you The 10 Things Your Dad Never Told You About Sex (But Really Should Have)。
#10 – Sex Fetishes
I really wish my father had told me what a fetish was before I started having sex. The first time a woman asked me if I was into “Formicophilia” I thought she was speaking Italian to me.It turns out she got a real sexual kick out of having bugs, insects and creepy crawlies all over her genitals and wanted to share this delightful experience with me.Apparently fetishes are a normal variation of human sexuality which range from vanilla to just plain weird. I don’t mind a bit of biting and spanking every now and again but I draw the line at inviting cockroaches to the party. Make sure you know a bit about fetishes before engaging in sex because nobody wants to find out their girlfriend has a scat fetish after the fact。
#9 – It’s not like a porno movie
Imagine my surprise when, after years of watching Jenna Jameson bounce up and down on multiple guys and screaming with pleasure, I finally lost my virginity to a shy little red head with a freckled face, glasses and braces on her teeth. I thought sex would be all about screaming, dirty orgasms and filthy talk. Not only that, I thought that every seemingly innocent situation could be initiated into impromptu sex.If my friends mum offered me a cup of tea while we waited for him to get home from work, I thought she might jump my bones any second.Alas, it never happened. As for the red head, it was less like a speeding train and more like a brisk walk. Sex is nothing like it appears in porn. (unless you happen to be dating a porn star)
#8 – Pace yourself
As a knock-on effect of the porn delusions I suffered from, I thought that going at it hammer-and-tongs for long periods of time was the norm. Those porn stars could last forever and so I was utterly disappointed when my encounter with the shy red head lasted a mere 2 minutes before I rolled over and fell asleep. If you’ve never heard the story of the tortoise and the hare, I’m sure it related to sex. Women want a stallion who can last the distance and although sometimes a quickie can be just as fun, nobody wants it to be over before it’s even begun。
#7 – Headaches are no excuse not to have sex
At 21, my girlfriend of the time regularly used to tell me she wasn’t in the mood for a bit of nookie because she ‘had a headache’. New evidence has come to light though which says that the female orgasm releases endorphins (a natural painkiller). This means that sex is a headache cure. I’d go as far as to use this to try and have sex with your girlfriend for any number of ailments. Broken leg? Sex can ease your pain, baby. Your (hot)friend has a broken heart? I’ll give her an orgasm to make her feel better. Genital herpes?Er…you’re on your own there, darling。
#6 – Threesomes are not as common as you think
A combination of porn and ‘true story’ articles in Maxim and FHM had me growing up thinking that a threesome was a natural part of everyday life and would happen regularly.After losing a couple of girlfriends through requests for their big-bosomed friend to join us for a session, I began to lose faith. Some people claim that “Ménage á trois” is actually French for “In your dreams”. While I’m sure many people have had threesomes (or more) with other women, the sad reality is that the threesomes we could have would most often involve not another woman, but another man。
#5 – Impotence is a grounds for divorce
In over 20 states in America, impotence can be cited as the grounds for a marriage breakdown and subsequent divorce. I’m sure a few wealthy businessmen who didn’t see the need for a pre-nup are now kicking themselves for their shortsightedness.It’s not enough that men have the burden of pleasuring the woman they love and rising to the occasion every time. Now we have the added pressure that if we can’t get it up and give our wife a good seeing to, she can divorce us. If you weren’t suffering from penile dysfunction before, you may well do now! I think there should be another reason for divorce created to cite women who don’t have the necessary fellatio skills to keep a man at full mast. Believe me, I’ve met a few of them。
#4 – Most women need clitoral stimulation to reach orgasm
What?My dad never told me that. All these years I’ve been performing the sexual equivalent of stuffing a turkey and I never knew it. A lot of guys don’t even think about her pleasure during sex because it’s so easy to get lost in the moment. Thinking about it from a female perspective though, it makes sense. In, out. In, out. In, out. Yeah, I can see how that might get a bit boring after a while. The key is to master the clit using your fingers, tongue and any other body part you think can do the job. One of the best positions to get her clit going is doggy style with a manual reacharound. Try it and become a stud today。
#3 – Your penis can explode
I’ve watched an entire TV documentary on sex disasters and things that go wrong during sex and it has changed the way I look at sex forever. I remember one in particular involving a Romanian man and his sexy 18 year-old girlfriend. If you’ve ever had an erection so hard you felt like it could burst, imagine how this guy felt.His erection was so hard, firm and manly that the blood cavities in the penis actually burst. Can I get an overwhelming “Ouch!” from the guys reading this?And it’s not just your penis exploding you need to worry about. There’s something a lot more common that nobody told me about until it happened to me. The dreaded ‘banjo string’. If you don’t know what the banjo string is, it’s the piece of skin between the penis and the foreskin and is officially known as the frenulum. If you’ve been circumcised congratulations, you probably haven’t even got a banjo string. If you haven’t, there is a good chance that rough sex can ’snap’ this little bit of skin and it bloody hurts.And bleeds A lot。
#2 – Only 1 in 400 men can give themselves oral sex
While it’s not surprising that only 1 man out of every 400 has the size and/or flexibility to perform fellatio on themselves, what is really embarrassing is that most of, if not all of, the 400 men have tried to give themselves oral. I find it a slap in the face to evolution that men created the wheel, flew to the moon, invented electricity and learnt to fly, yet they still attempted to suck themselves off in the bathroom. If you’re laughing while you read this, then chances are you’ve tried this yourself. If you have a smug grin on your face while you read this, then maybe you should consider a career in porn。
#1 – Men have a G-spot too
Men actually have a spot which, when stimulated, can induce pleasure in much the same way as the female G-spot. The irony of this is that to pleasure ourselves in this way we have to explore areas of our body that most straight men would prefer not to explore. For some reason, our prostate is the source of this pleasure and it happens to be buried deep in our dirtbox. If you want to explore the joy of rubbing this sacred spot, you need to insert one (or two if you’re feeling brave) fingers directly into your anus. I experienced this completely by accident one evening when an ex-girlfriend decided to surprise me with an impromptu anal probing. Needless to say, I have mixed feelings about the whole thing as a result. If you’re brave enough to try it, lube up. Trust me, it won’t be anywhere near as enjoyable going in dry.I had to learn all of this (and much, much more) through my own investigation and experimentation because my father only ever gave me two pieces of advice before I became sexually active:
1. Shag as many women as you can while you’re still young。
2. Don’t get her pregnant or bring home any infections。
你是如何瞭解到性的細節的？
也許你實在某個時間通過看20年前拍的蹩腳的性教育影片瞭解到性是不偏不倚有一定方法的過程。有些學校的課內教學這樣精妙地來解釋性，你60多歲的老師把安全套套在就像黃色的(略彎曲的)陰莖的香蕉上。這場景少得可憐的想法足以讓你保持單身並終將使你走進一個的修道院度完餘生。其他人瞭解性是被騙進入劇院在休息時的失誤播放。不管您是什麼樣的故事，它有可能是你和爸爸有時談論過的話題。談到性很不舒服，特別是當一個父親面對他的十幾歲的兒子的時候。您的父親的性教育等談話通常包括下列幾項：
戴避孕套
要尊重女孩子
不要催她
把自己留給屬於你的女孩子。
當然，我們爲這些做的準備並不能面對正確但殘酷的性遭遇的現實。父輩們錯過了在我們追求性時給我們啓迪。基於這個想法，我現在告訴你，你的爸爸從未透l露的10個性愛秘密(但本該透露的)。
第10:性戀物癖
我真希望父親在我開始有性行爲之前告訴我戀物癖是什麼。當有女人第一次問我對"Formicophilia"(螞蟻式的酥癢)有沒有興趣，時我還以爲她在對我講意大利語。原來，她喜歡讓昆蟲在她的生殖器上爬動並且她希望和我分享這一愉快經驗。很明顯一個通常的性戀物癖種類從香草到平常的一些怪東西。我不介意一點刺痛或者，或者被拍，但在我推薦了蟑螂後就和她劃清了界限。確定你在性愛之前知道一些關於戀物癖的事情，因爲沒有人願意完事後發現他女朋友有戀物癖。
第9:這不是黃色電影
你可以想象我有多麼吃驚，這些年注視着珍娜詹姆森在很多傢伙中間上上下下興奮的尖叫，我終於把我的童貞給了一個長着雀斑的臉，帶眼鏡和牙套的害羞的小紅毛丫頭。我原以爲性就是充滿不停尖叫，骯髒的高潮和骯髒的對話。不僅如此，我還以爲即興的性愛是看上去無辜的情況。如果在等朋友下班的時候，他的母親叫我喝茶， 我想她會隨時跳到我身上。哎，這從未發生過。至於紅毛丫頭，這不像一個急速行車而更像輕快的走路。性愛完全不像色情電影。(除非你正巧約會的是一個色情明星)。
第8：你自己的節奏
就像錘我經歷的色情電影裡的撞擊幻覺一樣，我想那事像錘子鉗子樣基本能夠持續很長時間。那些色情明星能持續很長時間，所以，我一想到和害羞的紅毛丫頭僅僅堅持了2分鐘，然後翻身下來睡着了，我就覺到失望得不行。我敢肯定，龜兔賽跑和性是一碼事，如果你從來沒有聽過烏龜和兔子的故事。女人想要一個能持續一段時間的種馬，雖然有時候很快完事也讓人高興，但沒人希望還沒開始就結束了。
第7：頭痛不是不做愛的藉口
在我21歲時，我以前固定的女朋友告訴我，她因爲頭痛對房事有點沒心情。新的證據表明，女性高潮時會釋放一種內啡肽(天然止痛藥)。這意味着性愛是治療頭痛的藥。我會去儘量利用這一點和你有或多或少的毛病的女朋友做愛。一條受傷的腿？性愛會緩解你的疼痛，寶貝兒。你的(性感的)朋友心碎了？我會給她一個高潮讓她感覺好一些。生殖器皰疹？呃.。.你自己也會有，親愛的。
第6：三P不如想象中普遍
色情劇集和“真幹”的演員們在Maxim和FHM裡讓我想到三P是平常的並且時常發生。我在失去那些請求加入我們的美乳女孩兒們的同時，我也開始失去了信念。有人說“Ménage á trois” 是句法語，意思是：在你的夢中。儘管我敢肯定很多人都三P過(或以上的女人)，但可悲的是，那個第三個人通常是我們男人，而不是女人。
第5：陽痿是個離婚的理由
超過20個美國的州，陽痿都能被作爲婚姻破裂的理由而離婚。我敢肯定，少數不重視“前戲”富裕的商人們，現在正爲他們自己的短視而感到悲哀。不是每一次男人都有足夠的能力去取悅他們的女人達到高潮。現在，我們的壓力與日俱增，如果我們不行就要給妻子好臉色，應爲她可以申訴離婚。如果你以前沒有患上PD，你現在可要好好幹！我覺得應該有另外一個引證女性離婚的原因，因爲她們沒有必要的性愛技巧，以滿足男人。相信我，我曾遇到過幾個。
第4：大多數女人需要對陰蒂的刺激才能達到高潮
什麼？我的父親從沒說過。而且我從來都沒發現，這些年來我一直的表現和填充火雞一樣而我從不曉得。很多人甚至想都沒想過她在性愛中的喜悅，因爲太容易失去掌控。從女性的角度來看，這是說的通的。進，出，進，出，進，出。是的，時間一長，就顯得單調了。關鍵是要充分運用你的手指，舌尖，還有任何你認爲可以用的身體的器官。一個最好的方法就是用後入式(狗趴式)的姿勢。今天就嘗試研究一下吧。
第3：你的陰莖可能爆炸
我曾看過關於整個性災難事件的電視記錄片，那改永遠改變了我看待性愛的方式。我記得是有一個羅馬尼亞男子和他的18歲的性感女朋友.。如果你曾經感到勃起就像要爆炸一樣，想一下這個傢伙的感受。他勃起是如此堅硬有力以至於陰莖裡面的海綿體充血竟然爆炸了。我能聽到讀到這裡時男人瘋狂地大叫“哇～～” 但這你不需要擔心。這是沒人告訴我這麼普通但知道我經歷後才知道的。該死的＂BANJO弦＂。如果你不明白BANJO弦是什麼，其實就是陰莖和包皮中間的那個這被正式命名爲“海綿體”的組織。如果你做過環切，恭喜你，你也許就沒有“BANJO弦”。如果沒有做過，這裡能瞭解到，粗暴的性行爲很容易折斷這點皮膚 導致血淋淋的傷害。會流很多很多的血。
第2：只有1／400的男人可以自己口交
只有1／400的男人擁有這種大小或者靈活性爲自己口交這並不值得大驚小怪。真正令人感到尷尬的是，儘管不是全部，但他們中的大多數都曾嘗試過給自己口交。男人造出了車輪，飛往月球，發明了電力，學會了飛行，但他們仍想在浴室裡吮吸自己，這真的是一記打在臉上的耳光。如果你看到這裡沾沾自喜，那麼，你也許該考慮投身色情事業。
第1：男人也有G點
男人的G點其實和女人差不多，在刺激的時，會感到興奮。諷刺的是，很多正直的男人不願嘗試探索這個能取悅自己的區域。如果你想要探索這個帶來快樂的神秘點，你需要用一根(或者2根，如果你覺得你很勇敢) 直接插入你的肛門。我在一個晚上意外的經歷過這一切，一個前女友決定給我一個驚喜，隨後深入肛門。順帶提一句，結果就是我有過這種複雜的感受。如果你足夠勇敢，潤滑一下。相信我，乾澀的時候不會有任何享受。我說了解的關於這個的全部是通過我自己的調查和實驗的，因爲我老爸只在我變得性活躍前給過我以下兩個建議：
趁你年輕，多認識幾個女人